Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Because I Love You

We confess our bad qualities to others out of fear of appearing naive or ridiculous by not being aware of them.
-- from Thoughts in a Dry Season, by Gerald Brenan

One of my favorite blogs is Above the Law, and I read it faithfully. (You may remember an earlier post on Big Law bonuses that was sparked by the bonus coverage on ATL.) Every once in a while, Lat posts something that makes me laugh out loud. Today was one of those times. He posted the following, prefaced with the information that it is a real cover letter received in response to paralegal job posting at a legal staffing agency. It seems almost too "good" to be true, but it had me dying laughing in my office today, and because I love you all, I thought I'd share it with you:

Hello there,

I am not a paralegal. But, I type 85 WPM and used to be executive assistant and have multiple skillsets, easy to train, that honestly set me $1000 over the salary of a degreed political science bachelors degreed person. Sadly, she was aggressive and began reading Hitler's methods and worked her way to stop my success with her deception.

The compliance lawyer finally figured out what she was doing and wound up getting rid of her. She now works in buying and selling electrical components somewhere. So, I have no way to measure her value or mine within this paralegal field. I'll let you be the judge.

I envy her in some ways, as she knows how to get where she wants to go. I just like to take my time and be a team player, not a bulldozer, which is a rare thing from what a Criminal Justice professor advised me, when I thought of obtaining a paralegal bachelors degree. I am aggressive, just can't bulldoze people over. He was unsure if I'd make it in that field because of that personality feature I have.

I'd rather love people and nurture them to their success. I don't have that other bulldozing personality trait in me, to stop other's success. I can bulldoze aggressively to help people succeed. So, honestly, I do not know how you would value me in that way. I thought that was important to mention as I don't know precisely how you'd need someone to be.

I've had some compliance experience. The compliance experience was basically data entry making edits to documents and having strikethroughs show up on the document of removed verbage. Honestly, I thought it was pretty basic to be a paralegal, as they had told me that was paralegal work. Surely, there has to be more to it.

If you require research, I can do some of that. But, reading volumes of legal documents that a law student would be required to absorb and interpret, to me, would require more of a lawyer than someone with my experience. But, I am willing to help you, if that is what you need.

If you are in a bind, let me jump in and help you out. I can jump over there to help you out if you are in a bind, rather quickly, while you are looking for someone else that may be more qualified. Or, I may be precisely what you need if you show me what to do. Again, I don't know what you would need. So, you'd have to let me know what you would need help with.

The ad you wrote seemed that you were in urgent need of help, right now. So, I thought that my offer would help you. I hate sitting home studying all day and submitting the neverending resume search for employment anyways. I have a degree. It's not a bachelor's yet, I'm working on that piece. I have an associates and hope to start my own business someday on the side of real estate appraisal. But, this economy is dicey for anyone to train in the field. So, I'm sitting here doing nothing of value. I can't stand not making a difference and working.

So, let me know your thoughts. If you need me, let me know. I'll come right down and begin now. I'd love to be of assistance. My hours of availability are 9:00am - 5:00pm, Monday through Friday.


You're welcome.


DuJane said...

Holy crap, that is hilarious!

I once interviewed a guy for an admin job that referred to himself throughout his cover letter and resume as "Sir Lastname". I thought his first name was Sir. When he arrived, I found out his first name was Thomas and he just preferred to be addressed as "Sir".

Melanie said...

You hired him, didn't you? That would be worth it just for the apoplexy you'd cause him every time you insisted on calling him Thomas.